just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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