12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
