I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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