shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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