I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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