Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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