They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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