The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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