You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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