never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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