and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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