Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize