i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
