when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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