This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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