So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
