I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
