Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
