Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
