Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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