I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize