he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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