I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize