Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
