Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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