My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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