my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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