Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I love having hate sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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