my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
