We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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