totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
