Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
