wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
