you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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