you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize