then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
