omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
