We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
