you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
