like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
