i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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