It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The power of my boobs compel you
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
