The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
