i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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