i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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