ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
