I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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