thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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