On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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