i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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