I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
