I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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