he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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