I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
