What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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