One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
